Health is a crown that the healthy wear, yet only the sick can see…

People kept telling me having the hysterectomy would be the best thing and how much better I’d feel afterwards. I find myself questioning everything now…..
Just to recap I had a hysterectomy in January. 


I was recovering okay then about two weeks after the MONO hit. It took some time to sort things out and get diagnosed. Thanks to me joking with steven and my dr’s “might as well” attitude we were all slightly relieved to have mono diagnosis. 
I had some lidocaine shots for my nerve pain from the surgery- basically I’m a big girl and a lot of “pulling and tugging” had to be done resulting in some lasting pain. Was set up to see a pain specialist but the appointment was cancelled due to the mono and will be rescheduled when we figure out what’s happening. 

A few weeks later I started passing out during a “migraine”. Then came the numbness and tingling, more fatigue, blurry vision, arms face and legs felt like pins and needles. My blood pressure had been high and out of control since surgery. Good news is it wasn’t stroke or heart related. 

Since January I have seen multiple ER doctors, gynos, internal medicine, had infectious disease drs looking at my charts, neurologists and what feels like every test in the book- except the one MRI I actually need. Due to my anxiety we have had three failed attempts. Weight limits have prevented us from getting one with sedation sooner- even after stating we could go anywhere in the state. 

So now we wait until May 2nd
Meanwhile everything is just getting worse. 

I can’t drive, can’t work, some days can hardly take care of myself. Showers are torture, walking to the elevator feels like I’m climbing a mountain. I can’t even begin to mention the depression and emotional side of things.
My therapist challenged me to make a list of things I could do to make myself happy or feel better without too much pain. My first answer was eating but honestly if I am hungry it doesn’t bring joy anymore just stomach issues so I said I guess I could blog.  

I’ve been trying to write. Trying to function and explain what’s going on without constant complaining. People who are close to me and actually know the extent of what I’m feeling are all out of answers and ideas.

 People keep asking how I’m doing. My honest answer is I’m still breathing- I’m still here- I’m attempting to get out of bed every morning- I’m trying! My answers are usually followed by frustration- why can’t they figure out what’s wrong- when will it stop- work work work work work- money money money- exercise and it will get better- maybe it’s this- maybe it’s that- just force yourself out of bed land my favorite maybe it’s just your depression.


It’s not just my depression. My psychiatrist, therapist, and primary Dr are at least all in agreement on that one. (Thank you blood work. Something is physically wrong. They just aren’t sure what. 
I have good days and bad days. I can cook and clean and venture out with steven or my mom one day yet can’t move or hold my eyes open the next, some days are just better than others. 


So for the time being I’ll just keep on truckin until we figure out what’s wrong and how to fix it. I want Sarah back…..

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